funny, isn't it?

It's been awhile since I've written here just because I couldn't keep track of all of my passwords for various things and couldn't even access this account. Anyway, that's not what I planned on rambling about today... Lately I've been thinking about how subtle God can be in the way He answers us. It seems that every time I ask Him to change something I know is not good in me, He finds very creative ways to do it.

Two specific examples are coming to mind at the moment. One is a certain stumbling block or "thorn in my side" that's been around for about as long as I can remember... pride. It's so completely ugly and something I hate but that has become so intertwined in who I have become that it is sometimes difficult to sort through the "me" and the "thorn" and tell where one begins and the other ends. When I think about this ugly thing in me, I imagine a weed that has grown into so many parts of my character, my way of thinking, and my way of relating to others and to God. It' s almost as though I am afraid to cut out the weed because I fear that I will die along with it. Hmm... but isn't that what Christ calls us to do? Die to ourselves and allow Him to live? Interesting thought... a little uncomfortable and easier to explain away in different ways that are not quite so radical.

So, back to the original subject. As I continue growing closer to Jesus, I have more and more desire to see this thorn removed from my life. I am convinced that this is NOT something God wants me to become accustomed to. It's something He wants to remove if I will let Him. So, as I ask God to show me what needs to be removed and as He brings the ugliness to light, He finds very interesting ways to speak to me. The process of having the ugliness brought to light is quite humbling. I discover that when I ask God to take it away, He is more than willing to find a variety of ways to do that... ways such as giving me a roommate and best friend who is not afraid to point out what everyone else sees (or at least what she is discerning enough to recognize and share with me), helping me understand His word in a new way that communicates directly to my heart, and just by bringing the hidden darkness in me to light as the thoughts that noone else sees are shown for what they really are.

That was example one. Pride and God's ways of showing me how He wants to get rid of it. Example number two is my selective hospitality. I find that serving others and being hospitable and generous are very conditional for me. I love serving people when it is on my terms, but as soon as others expect me to serve them, I find that the lovely spirit of generosity and service quickly disappears. This is a bit humbling to admit, but there is something liberating and letting others see what I usually don't share. If it's out there, that means that I truly do want this to change enough to confess the ugliness of it.

Anyway, lately I have been made more aware of this ugliness in me and have wanted it to change. The other day I was reading in 1 Peter and there is this extremely clear command to offer hospitality without grumbling. Hmmm... I read it and thought, "well, that's pretty difficult to ignore". I asked God to help me in this area. The very next day, two unexpected visitors stayed in our tiny apartment for three nights and I was the one who was around to show hospitality when I really didn't feel like it. As I was given many opportunities to practice what I usually don't enjoy, I smiled to myself and thought, "well, you sure have a way of answering our prayers, don't you, Lord?''. It was very encouraging to see how God gave me the patience I needed to serve them without grumbling ... too much. Little by little (or poco a poco as we say in Spain) I am learning to die to myself and let Christ live. It's a good thing He is so patient with slow learners!