What exactly is suffering?

I'm wondering if I had really experienced real pain before this accident with my knee... I'm not talking about the kind of pain I used to cry about after falling off of my bike, or when I stayed in the sun too long and couldn't sleep because my whole body felt like it was burning, or even when I had surgery to remove my appendix in third grade. This kind of pain is the kind that becomes familiar because you know what will happen when you bend your leg a certain way or attempt to stretch a leg that does NOT want to be stretched after sitting for awhile. I'm realizing how little sympathy and patience I had for those who suffer real pain before I had this accident.

So, why am I talking about the pain I've experienced with my knee? I am convinced that God would like me to learn something from this frustration of a knee that refuses to completely heal. These past months have given me a deeper understanding of Paul's complaint of the 'thorn in his flesh'. Little by little (in Spanish this has become a phrase that I hear often- poco a poco... about my leg healing, about learning the language...about EVERYTHING!) I have been learning that God has quite a bit to show me through this little bit of suffering.

Walking with a limp (Lord, did I really pray that you would humble me?!), having to ask for help when I used to be able to handle things on my own (is this how you want to teach me to rely on You and others, God?), and being patient with my leg as it seems to hit a plateau in the road to recovery (God, was I crazy enough to pray for patience?!). Yes, God has revealed through this experience the many areas of my life that were not quite open to Him before.

I am slowly coming to the conclusion (in reality, not just idealistic theory) that only through my weakness will Christ's power be made perfect in me. Only now am I truly opening myself to how needy I really am- how desperate for God's grace I am. Although humbling and usually quite uncomfortable, this process is the direction I want to go. Although I'm almost cringing as I type this, I have to say that I would rather suffer like this and have a better comprehension of God's grace in my life than to keep on being comfortable and oblivious to how incredible that gift of grace really is. Did I really just say that?!

One more thing... sometime last year, I remember having a conversation with a friend about how easy my life has been. I felt bad that this journey hasn't had many bumps for me, and was a little concerned that when real suffering comes, my true colors as a follower of Christ would really show up. I am thinking now that in my mind at that time, I had characterized suffering as the extreme side of suffering- like being tortured for my faith or losing someone I dearly love. I am now realizing that suffering comes in many forms and that regardless of the degree of that suffering, Christ gives us ample opportunity to choose between self-pity and a complaining spirit or full surrender and reliance on Him in our time of need. Lately in my therapy, when the pain is pretty intense and I need something to distract me, I have been singing hymns to myself of Christ's suffering and intense love for us. What a shift in perspective to sing "see from His head, His hands, His feet- sorrow and blood flow mingled down, did e'er such love and sorrow meet, or thorns compose so rich a crown?" and "amazing love- how can it be that thou, my God, should die for me?!"... as I myself am experiencing physical pain that at the time seems quite unbearable. The statement that "followers of Christ must expect to suffer" is not a threat- it's a promise... A promise of the opportunity to have an even deeper understanding of Christ's love for us through our own suffering.